My holiday is over... :(

And I'm back in the study with my notes spread in front of me. Try as I might, I cannot bring myself to concentrate. The clock is ticking and time is fast running out yet I feel frozen, unable to do more than a mere few minutes at a time before giving up and watching an episode of Saiyuki or picking up a book. I have three exams and my two coursework calls at me. This is definitely not a good sign. One hopes that I'll get my act together soon for my time is almost up and judgement day will be here at any minute.

Nevertheless, I sit in the study, read and daydream. Dream about the man who will steal my heart and leave me with no regrets. I have yet to find someone that perfect. In truth, I'm starting to doubt the existence of such fairy tales. Perhaps it is true what I've been denying all along: good things never last. Although, once all is said and done, at the end of the day, I will still give it the benefit of the doubt. Silly aren't I? But then again, what is life if one doesn't believe in a little magic.

Lately, I've been involuntarily reminiscing about the past. Suppressed memories is what psychologists call it. None of them pleasant enough for me to enjoy remembering. *sigh* If I cannot suppress them further, I only hope that being replayed in my mind allows me to forget them forever. Unfortunately for me, I just might not have that "selective goldfish memory" that T keeps referring to. If I do, it has some rather nasty side-effects. *shrugs* Such is life I suppose. You take some, you give some. Wouldn't it be nice, just for once, to have everything as you like it? Alas, nothing is ever enough - such is human nature...

All I ask is that you show a little consideration. Is that too much to ask? If so then perhaps I am not the one you are looking for. After all, if you cannot understand that love alone is not enough, then perhaps moving on would be best. I need actions to go with the words and I cannot abide cowards.

Would you drop everything and come to me? I cannot do so for I cannot change who I am in spite of all that we are...

To all those who I've been negligent in keeping in contact with

Yes, including those in Cardiff itself. I'm sorry! I really am but I've just been so busy. It's not an excuse! I promise!!! Even my mother is getting on my case about my lack of contact - that's how serious it is. Time is flying faster this semester than I can manage and for some reason, I just get so wrapped up in it that I seem to forget about everything else that I'm not physically reminded of. At the moment, the thing that's stressing me most is my AIS project. It's boring! Immensely so. That's one problem. The second problem is that it's really really tough! There's so much about it that I don't understand. Ugh. Not happy. Why did I ever pick this module? I gave up Information Systems ages ago! Someone help me! I wanna quit. Can I quit now? Oh come on!

Ok, enough of that. There's also all the exams that are sneaking up on me. I've been revising slowly but I don't seem to have the time, or rather, I'm going about it far too slowly. It's taken me days and I'm still on the same topic of ONE module. I'm DOOMED! The sky is falling down on me!

Right, moving on. I've given up on relationships. There's been so much going on in my life between job applications, exam preparations, general academic stuff and other unknowns that I don't even have time to breathe never mind spend time with someone else. Goddess, I'm tired but it's ok cause... I'm flying home soon. Yay! We're even flying to Japan for a short holiday cause mom has to do a conference. Hokkaido! I can't wait. Hopefully, Aya will be able to meet up with us. I haven't seen her in a very long time and I miss her immensely.

The Never Ending Story

Here's the thing I don't understand. No matter how much I stay in, I never actually get enough sleep for the next day. It usually lies around the line of 5-6 hours a night. Last night was the first night I've been out this week and I found that regardless of whether I actually go out or stay in, I still find myself sleeping in the wee hours of the morning. Such is the story of my life. *rolls the eyes*

Yay! Brussels this weekend. Can't wait. Need to get out of this city a little bit. It's starting to get to me. We'll be stopping in london twice as well since we're taking the eurostar so that should be fun. Jay, T and Tiffany promised to meet up with us. In fact, that'll definitely be a blast. I can't believe that Gaz hasn't been to london in ages. It's not even 3 hours away by train. Silliness. I'd die if I didn't see a bustling city every once in a while. Can't help it, I need my polluted air. :p

Was immensely inebriated last night cause it was Gareth's birthday and we all went out for a meal. Saw some of my ex's friends out and I kind of felt bad when they mentioned him. Oh well, people move on. *shrugs* I'm sure he will eventually - or so we hope. Despite all, I've only met his friends once but they seem like loads of fun. I was invited out with them on monday but we'll see how it goes. I might be too tired when I get back from Brussels. Still, it would be nice.

The Dying Liver

Tiffany was over this weekend. You never really realize how much you miss someone's company until you see them again. I really enjoyed her weekend here. We went out on both nights and got immensely drunk - me on friday and Tiffany on Saturday. Apparently, I was a very bad girl on Friday night but I'm going to pretend that I can't remember. Always seems safer that way. ;p Tiffany claims that she can't come and visit me too often. She claims she'd really like to keep her liver intact given that she "supposedly" doesn't drink as much in London... Or so she says of course. Me? Doubt my own sister? Never!

I introduced her to Mr. Chu as well. It was a pity that we didn't get to see his kids. They're the most adorable things ever. Nonetheless, she must have made a really good impression cause he said he really liked talking to her. :D They give me a sense of family here in Cardiff and for that, I would do almost anything for them. The medication doesn't seem so important anymore when there are people like this around to make me happy.

It's Halloween tonight. I'm supposed to be out with Michelle but I'm not sure I can hack it. Whatever it is, the rule is - no drinking tonight... *hands on hips* I'm serious!

Now, it's back to the rountinely grind... Uni calls. Business Finance - Wayhey!

Stomach ulcers

My stress levels are so high lately that I'm quite sure that I have at least a million stomach ulcers forming inside me. Stupid people are giving me far too much stress over random messages and even my medication isn't helping to block out the noise.

To make things worse, I find out that the man I'm seeing broke up with his girl a week before going out with me after a four year relationship and then of course, there's the assignments, lectures and other unmentionable issues at the back of my mind. Goddess, I just want to go home. Life with Curly is so much easier and less stressful. In fact, I'm just tempted to get married for the sake of some form of stability in my life.

I'm extremely grateful to a shop owner whom I've recently become fairly good friends with. His wife and children are lovely, especially the two youngest ones. :) Makes me miss my own family who, as usual, are scattered all over the world. How different our lives are and sometimes, how I envy them. Nonetheless, I appreciate the fact that they take such good care of me. Hopefully, we'll keep in touch when I leave next year...

The fading socialite

Cardiff is so different when your closest move away. I find that I'm less inclined to go out there and be the socialite I have always been known as. The people I saw practically everyday have all scattered far and wide. Some I rarely see, some I probably never will. Then again, that is life I suppose... Things change and people move on.

One thing that's ever constant in this place is the weather. It's been a horribly gray and dreary day. Makes one depressed no matter what side of the bed you wake up on, so to speak.

As usual, I find myself clinging to the past where everything was safe and familiar. One would have thought I'd grown up enough to let go of such childish notions. Nothing will ever change back once things have moved on. I wonder how long it'll take for me to grasp that concept.

Back to reality

So I'm back in Cardiff. Have been for a while actually but I've been busy and jetlag as expected. For the first few days, I've been waking up at ungodly hours like 5.30 and 7.00 in the morning. So wrong! *rolls the eyes* Oh well, I'm sure I'll get over it. It kind of puts a damper on the partying since it's fresher's week but the weather's doing that already. Can you believe that it hasn't stopped rainning for even a day?! It's ridiculous... *Ugh*

Uni starts on Monday. Am I ready? Um... No. Actually, what I'd really like right now is to go back home. I miss the not doing any chores... :) And of course, there's Ben. I hate long distance relationships. I'm definitely no good at them. All my friends are laughing when I tell them I'm involved with this guy on the other end of the world. They don't think it'll last. To be truly honest, I'm not sure it will either but for now, I'm happy as it is. *shrugs* That's all that really matters.

So, there's a house party tonight. Hopefully, I'll be able to make my own way home after that. The last house party at Tori's found me staggering home and the only reason I made it was because I practically lived up the road from her. This seems a lot more work. Oh well, the best thing about living with Foz is that he's always willing to come get me. :D Don't we just adore gentlemen? It's nice to see that the species haven't died out quite just yet.

Melbourne Party

I got back at some ridiculous hour yesterday. Practically missed my flight as well since the Vixen and her friend Miles were trying so hard to change my flight date. *grins* Bless them. And to think they almost succeeded as well. They shook my foundation of organization as well as my world of planned out appointments - what a scary thought! :P To be honest, I miss the Vixen already. It was such a blast. 6 days wasn't long enough and I was more than tempted to stay longer. It's a good thing I didn't since I'd pretty much run out of clean clothes. If I spent any more $$, my parents might start murdering me...

I can't believe how much I drank in Melbourne. We were partying every single night. I don't think there was one night that we didn't spend in a bar or club. In a way, it's a good thing I'm back since it's definitely detox time. The first night I was there, Vixen and I were plastered! If it was any worse, we might have had to have our stomach pumped. She took me to a gay club where we were running around without our tops. Thank the Goddesses that I was wearing nice lingerie!! Vixen lost her top somewhere in the middle of the night which was a pity since it was a lovely top but the must amusing part of that night happened when we ran into 7Eleven on Brunswick St and practically headbutted people who were in our way of buying a loaf of bread. It was so embarassing when we returned to that same store on Sunday afternoon and the man behind the counter recognized us. Thankfully, he didn't say anything but that smirk was sufficient to say: I saw you that night... Somewhere in the midst of all this blur of drinking and clubbing on Friday, we met some Alaskan idiot who followed us all the way to the gay bar! He thought he'd be able to charm both Vixen and myself for himself - what an a**! LOL Some men just don't understand that just because we are comfortable with being friendly with other women doesn't mean that we're willing to share men. I'm an only child - I never share! *smirk*

I can't remember much of Saturday night. We were in an exclusive wine bar called The Supper Club which was lovely. I really enjoyed that one and then the rest of the night pretty much blended into one another. We met two of Vixen's friends who were very very nice; one whom I sort of miss but realistically *shrugs* it's not happening. Pity since he was absolutely adorable. It might actually have worked. Oh well - Foz found the entire situation funny. Apparently, I've been told that that's what best friends are for.

Sunday saw my first hangover. I actually wanted to die and remembered proclaiming it several times over. This was the night I also met one of Ben's parents when we went over to his place. I freaked! Well, inwardly of course but still! I totally missed it when he said I might meet his brother and sister. Must have been much more overwhelmed by the alcohol effects from the last two nights. The next day when I related the entire experience to Vixen, she smiled and slyly said: I should have warned you that most people here live with their parents until they're 25 or something. There was really nothing to do but nod my head in agreement after that one - the evil child. She was far too amused at my situation. I got her back by making her go to an RnB club though. :p Although, she actually had a lot of fun that night.

I met up with the Siaws as well. Wendy was two beautiful children whom I absolutely adore. It was lovely to see old family friends again and Uncle and Auntie Siaw totally spoiled me. Sometimes I love having family all over the globe. Nothing beats that!

Rainy Days

Have you ever realized how one tends to sleep better when the weather is gloomy and wet? I woke up today at 1.30 in the afternoon. It felt like 6 in the morning though. Anyway, time spent in HK are lazy and short. I wake up, eat, sleep, play with curly and then the day is over already. Well, hate to break the habit but Melbourne is on the list next. Can't wait to get there. Leaving on Thursday night actually. It's about time I go see the Vixen since it's been ages since she's decided to visit me. I hear she has a male crisis going on. Then again, who doesn't from time to time? *makes a face* The bane of our lives...

Curly poo

Mom bought the most adorable lil puppy which she named Curly... Yeah, *sigh* I know. Don't even say it. All my friends are already laughing themselves silly over it. Still, she's the most gorgeous thing in the world and provides me with endless entertainment. Actually, the credit should go to Edeline too. She's hilarious. Curly's barely 2 months old so mom's still having trouble body trainning her. Basically, today was another one of those episodes where she refused to "do her business" in the designated area and after barracading her in the kitchen for almost two hours, we finally gave up and let her out into the living room. So obviously, the first thing she does is goes for the cream carpets in front of the sofa. Not only does this little squirt manage to pee and poo in one corner but then she decides to go and pee in the other corner too. Edeline was there reprimanding Curly about being very naughty and not learning. If that wasn't enough to keep me entertained, she then came up with a whole bunch of empty threats starting with: if you poo on the cream carpets again, I'm going to beat you. Of course, as T pointed out, I quote: "all Curly can probably hear is a lot of noise coming from this big creature in front of her," which is entirely too true cause even before poor Edeline is done cleaning up, the baby of the house is gallavanting off in a new direction to cause more mischief. Oh well, at least things have become much more lively in the house. ;)

Even the military officials say they need to get out

It's good to see that not all Americans are Bush fanatics and that they realize the extent of the mistakes made two years ago. Personally, I've recently gained a lot of respect for Sen. Chuck Hagel who lightly mocked the white house's intelligence in one sentence: "What I think the White House does not yet understand — and some of my colleagues — the dam has broke on this policy. The longer we stay there, the more similarities (to Vietnam) are going to come together."

Another favorite quote of mine from the same article is when Hagel said "stay the course" is not a policy. "By any standard, when you analyze 2 1/2 years in Iraq ... we're not winning."

US Presidency for 2008? I'm all for Hagel if only because of his obvious discontent with the situation in Iraq.

People, we have a problem...

I've just been reading the morning news and to justify my political diatribe on specific Western governments, I was suitably horrified by the US's new annoucement about Iraq, Ian Blair's speech and the general behavior of the London Metropolitan police. What the %*$@^ kind of response is "that's dreadful"???!!! Hello! *knock knock* Is anyone in there? You 're responsible for the first degree murder of an innocent man simply because of your ridiculous sanctioning of the harebrained shoot-to-kill policy and all you can say is "that's dreadful"? Are you even human?

And if that does not have you over-brimming with disgust, you'll find that the parties involved within the force are now playing a childish game of "it's not our fault, it's their's" in meager attempts to clear their names of such an unconscionable act. Does it matter whose fault it is now? Seriously! I hope none of the armed police in attendance that day will be able to sleep peacefully for the rest of their lives. I can only imagine what the de Menezes family are feeling now. In truth, T and I were discussing this the other day and we both agreed that Ian Blair should be thinking about resigning. Of course, this is unlikely to happen since he's blatantly refused to do so but this disgraceful act needs closure and someone has to take the blame. The worst part is that Blair actually tries to condemn the media for focusing on the wrong news. He actually has the nerve to compare de Menezes death with the deaths which took place during the bombings. I have never seen anything so preposterous. The nerve of that insolent man! To insinuate that the public is less concerned of one disaster over another is just ludicrous.

I have only one thing to say about the US: Have you not caused enough destruction in Iraq already? Is it not enough that civilians in Iraq don't even have the bare necessities of life, that they have had to fight for food, because of the war that you forced on them? I find the entire situation laugable because now even the Americans themselves are indignant about how long their troops have to stay in Iraq to try and right a wrong they caused which they had no business in being in the first place. Who gave Bush the right to play world police? I'm definitely with France on this one. But then again, one really can't blame the poor country since they have a president with a slightly unhinged ultimate aim of evangelizing the world. Now that is really scary - thank the God(s) for China!

Terror: defending or causing?

The Governments are getting paranoid. Proof that they are comes in the form of the deceased Jean Charles de Menezes. Not that I blame them of course but what happened in this recent incident is clearly uncalled for. Now we find that even the chief of police of one of the major cities in the world is lying to us. What's next? Whom do we trust? For it is evident to one and all that the Governments will not protect us individually anymore if only to defend their ill-bred policies.

Moving with the cheese

I read a book recently titled "Who moved my cheese?" It was a very enlightening book and despite the fact that I had no major changes going on in my life, I found myself thinking back to the past when I did. It gave me new insight into the situation and I regret to say that it's actually taken me this long to figure out that one needs to 'move with the cheese' so to speak. All this while I was hanging on to something of my past because it felt 'safe.' Now I understand that one needs to move forward into the future and let the past good. There's a chinese saying: if the old things don't go, how will the new things come?

So, with this in mind, I'll start a new page in my life. After all, I have better things to do than cling to the past. I have exams to pass! :P