Two years ago, I started a new chapter in life - I got a job. Strange how four little words could change your whole world. What is more disconcerting is how these four little words could narrow one's perspective so much. At the beginning, everything was just dandy: I was learning new things and gaining new experiences with one of the most well-known companies in the world. It was a very exciting time in my life. What more could a graduate ask for?
Somewhere after that, repetition began to sink in while motivation melted slowly away as the seasons turned. Before I knew it, I became just like everyone else - waking up every morning only to join the grind with the rest of the world. Little pleasures became insufficient to ease the sorry little routine I had boxed myself into. Worst of all, I lost my muse. All in all, I was stuck in a rut, losing touch of my dreams and falling down an unseen abyss of despair I never knew was there in the first place. Why despair, one may ask but what else would you call it when you start to lose sight of the bigger picture in life?
Days melded together and eventually, I lived only for the weekends. For the fifty-two days of a year where I could truly live to be myself; but even those were often hindered by familial obligation and duty. Tiredness became my constant companion followed closely by its friend sleep deprivation. Soon, I found that I drank too much coffee, ate too much junk food and drank too much alcohol. I started partying not just every Friday and Saturday night but also on weekday nights too just to make up for the Mondays to Fridays I spent murdering my social life.
Eventually, something in me broke down. Living life one day at a time wasn't good enough for me anymore. Not to mention, the liver was starting its unhappy journey to ultimate death. Touching base with my previous depression frightened me into perspective. When you have sunk that low, you never want to go back to that feeling again. That heartfelt feeling of sheer emptiness, like there is nothing to look forward to, nothing to live for. When the thought of happiness was nothing but a mere wisp of hope readily blown away by the next gust of wind.
Coming to terms with my decision to resign from such a stable environment was no less difficult. Immediately the fears of reality sprang to mind: what if I couldn't find another job? What if I couldn't find a good school to take me in? The last unbidden thought saved me from the rest: what if I died tomorrow knowing that I never tried?
The feeling of freedom once I'd handed in my letter was inspiring. One month. Just more one month of life-sucking, debilitating captivity and I could be anything and everything I wanted to be. The gentle breeze upon my face as I stepped out into the sunlight had never been sweeter or more welcoming. Even with all those killjoy doubts of reality settling in that dark corner of my mind, I knew I'd made the right choice.
I don't regret selling two years of my life out like that. In the end, the experience was worth more than my weight in gold. I learned many lessons during those two years. Not necessarily the lesson taught nor the lessons of original intent but definitely significant lessons to have for future reference. The most important one being that I will never, ever sell my soul out like that again. I hate to quote the clichéd but life's really just too short...
